Lehigh University:

Source: Dr. Ian Birky, director of Lehigh's counseling and psychological services

There's no denying that going away to college is a significant port in the passage from childhood to adulthood.  Young men and women, accustomed to being sheltered from the realities of life, can find that long-sought independence may not be nearly as glamorous as they may have imagined.  And parents, who may have dreamed of more space and private time, may find themselves experiencing some feelings of depression, loneliness and anxiety.

Dr. Ian Birky, director of Lehigh's counseling and psychological services, says that the transition may be made somewhat easier for students and their parents by spending some advance time preparing for the event.

 "One of the best things parents and college-bound students can do is simply to have some open discussions about the situation," he says. "They might each discuss personal expectations, both in terms of academics as well as social involvement/activities.  It might be surprising for everyone involved to learn that they don't share the same expectations or values, and this might be a good time to clarify them."

For example, Birky says, parents may be most apprehensive about their child's ability to assimilate socially, and the student may be convinced that excelling academically is more important to his or her parents. An excellent challenge for every parent is to find ways of sharing his or her preferences for and observations about the child without being disparaging or making alienating demands.

Other issues to explore: staying spiritually grounded, health and well-being, and sexual intimacy issues.

"Parents might even want to ask their child, 'How often should we say in touch?'" Birky says. "Some students might expect daily phone calls. Others would feel smothered by that level of involvement. It's best to sort this all out now, when the lines of communication are open and differences can be more easily resolved."

Birky also offers the following suggestions for psychologically preparing for the college-bound child to leave the nest:

• Recognize that this may be a difficult time for the child.  He or she is leaving a "known" and sometimes secure environment and exploring a new existence with typically much greater independence. It's also a time of identity consolidation and a time to explore intimacy. In other words, some students are trying to "figure out who they are" while asking others to accept the self they are still discovering themselves to be.  Add to that new social dynamics in relationships, academic challenges, pressure to make important decisions and focus in on post-college career goals, and it's easy to understand why the college-bound child might well be apprehensive.
• Keep talking to one another.  Discuss the ways you, the parent, will feel when the child leaves home - what you'll miss and what you'll be thankful not to have to put up with (especially is this can be done playfully).  Talk about the advantages and the disadvantages of a child being away.  Communicate your priorities.  Outline what you consider to be acceptable behavior patterns.  Emphasize that you'll always be there to help.
• Encourage your child to find a trusting adult who can help guide him through the perilous college waters.  This can be either a coach, a professor, a Gyrphon, a representative of the student affairs office, a counselor, an older student, or even a close friend or relative back home that can lend a trusting ear when the child feels uncomfortable discussing issues with parents. "This is so important," Birky says. "Maintaining that connection can be critical for the student and can really be a lifeline."
• Discuss health issues openly.  Parents can warn their children about the infamous "freshman 15" that many young men and especially women  reportedly gain when they go away to school and are faced with a daily "all you can eat" food buffet. When partying, remind students to always go out with a friend who will look after them if they lose control or find their personal safety compromised.
• Get enough sleep.  "A proper amount of sleep is often sacrificed as students become adjusted to new surroundings," says Birky, who is convinced that sleep deprivation is one of the most serious threats to a young person's health.

"Students this age rarely get enough sleep, and it can have a severe effect on the immune system, on academic performance, and, in some cases, in triggering episodes in those students with psychological difficulties. All the problems you child could face - from illness, depression or anxiety - can all be magnified by a lack of sleep."

Parents might also benefit from realizing how important sleep might be to a son or daughter home from school.

"Don't be offended if all he wants to do the first two days he's home is sleep," Birky says.  "Recent studies have indicated that the body can, in fact, make up for lost sleep and it's important to allow that to happen."

• Talk with other parents to alleviate your concerns.  Chances are, Birky says, that whatever your fears or anxieties are about your child, another parent is going through the same thing or has perhaps already resolved it.

"I hear parents say they're upset that their child clings to them and cries when they drop them off at school," he says. "Another worries that the child doesn't do that. They just get out of the car and never look back. The reality is that both extremes are well within the range of normalcy.

• Don't get on the emotional roller coaster with your child. 

"What looms as a huge crisis today might be completely forgotten tomorrow," he says. "Trust your child to resolve some of these issues by finding his own solutions, or by identifying the people or resources to help. By getting over-involved in the up-and-down emotions may magnify the problems for the child and may prevent them from developing the independence to handle it effectively. Empathetic listening and calm responses can sometimes do wonders.

"The first two or three weeks at college could well be one of  the most anxious times in a child's life," he continues. "Students may have numerous unspoken anxieties: Will anyone like me? Will I fit in? Will I find a friend? Can I handle the work?  Just take half a step back and be loving, encouraging, calm and empathetic.  If I could design the best response, that might be it."